Sunday, October 30, 2011

Keep Running Up That Road, Keep Running Up That Hill (Dec 15th 2007)

I have a tendency to run, to want to go back to the me before I knew anything was wrong.
I'd have to go back to like, age 10 or 11ish, maybe if I could recapture wild, free me of 16? when the whole world was waiting out there and I could still be a rockstar. Before depression and time and weight gain stole my dreams away. Before I handed them over to this pressing weighted fear that consumes me sometimes.

who was she?
is she really me?
am I perhaps just an older wiser version of her?
Will I become my grandmother? Hiding in my mind from the monsters that lurk outside my door? Paranoid and frightened to the point that I sink into dementia to escape.

sometimes I think I am running far away from who I was
only to come full circle to find that I am still here, waiting for me to stop running.

I hide
inside of myself
I scream
inside of myself
and no one hears me
and everyone thinks
everything is OK
until finally I fall
and I fall so hard
because I hide
so no one knows
how far down
I've already

I read histories of people more f'd up than me.
psychopaths and serial killers and monsters
to maybe understand what happened to me in my childhood
to find an answer to Neely, to Amanda, to Crystal
who are so far gone
dead before they were able to know who they were, 6 and 10 and 9
why them and not me?
why was I the last person any of them saw?
am I cursed?
was their ending better than my future?
death better than molestation?

why does all of this still cause triggers in me now?
I had therapy to deal with this
really I did.

so why am I spiraling back down?

there are dead spiders in the bathroom floor where I'm staying
just little knotted up balls of limb and webbing
I can empathize with them tonight
I am the useful pest
the caring predator
spinning my web to help
but cast aside so cheaply and quickly
no one can see my worth.

Today was a hard one for me
as I found out I'd been misled
and now i feel foolish
and worthless again

my daughter decided mario party would cheer me up?
sort of.
but John always wins. lol
I'm going to sleep
and dream of places and people gone from me now

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