Sunday, October 30, 2011


as fast as you can
till it hurts to breathe
til you ache in your soul

Then look behind you
because I am there
I am coming

and my rage
it is nothing to be trifled with

mountians have fallen
hearts have broken
bridges I have burned them
and never looked back

I'm coming.

Quiet Now, Don't Wake the Beast (Oct 29 2011)

Need so great it transends time, draws me nearer to you in spirit if not body. Hands that don't (do) touch skin they've never touched. Aching for release, with (in) (around) each other. Running, running so fast that if maybe I don't stop the desire will be left behind. Teasing fingers from a ghost of you on me and it catches up again. I want. I need. I swell with desire in places damp from longing and an oh so quiet groan escapes my lips as my own hands wander where yours have left marks that almost burn on my soul, my skin.  Yours, I am yours and I melt at the thought of release at your demand.

Wildflowers (Friday Oct 21st 2011)

I still love you
but I fear being near you

wound with a touch
bruise with a word

a whispered dream of hope
brings down crashing waves of dispair

I reach for you
finding only your ghost

lost here, drowning
in a tidal wave of love

and pain
and neglect

yet I hold on
determined thing that I am

always dreaming of you, of me
and wildflowers.

Tattoo (Aug 11 2011)

She stands, in the dark, waiting, soon they would come for her.  They draw  her out by one hand, she steps in to the circle, lit only by precarious candle light, her hair a mass of dreads the color of a late summer sunset piled on her head and her skin glowing golden in the flames embrace, her back to the assembled watchers and she begins to dance.  Tall and lithe, she begins to undulate, the movements of her hips bringing to life the image tattooed on her lower back. Peering close you can’t seem to focus on it, can’t make out quite what exactly it’s supposed to be.  A sea creature or perhaps something more sinister and as she dances the room darkens and the image seems to almost be alive.  Outside, in pulsing time to the sway of her hips the ocean begins to surge and dark, formless things begin to rise from its depths.  A lone fisherman peers from his boat and sees what later he swears can’t have been real, towers and turrets rising from beneath and things so oddly shaped that he can’t later remember what he saw and when forced screams in terror in his sleep for weeks.  The sky above pulsates to the rhythm of the sea, a primal beat from the dawn of time itself and is rent asunder, stars vanishing from view while more shapeless things drop to the earth and begin to prowl the streets.  A strange fog envelops the town below and muffled screams break the silence of the night.  The drum pounds out like a bestial heart and the waters ripple faster, something larger, so vast the mind can’t encompass it surges forward and all but the throbbing beat go silent in anticipation, fear so deep and thick that it can be tasted on the lips of lovers, sleeping unaware in the dark.  Her dance spirals faster, her hips gyrating faster and faster, arms and eyes and teeth flashing in the semi-dark then finally, collapsing in a heap on the floor, glancing up, panting and covered in a sheen of moisture.  The night trembles, waters heave and the images and forms half seen pause as if taking a breath, perhaps waiting for some yet unheard signal from the room above.  Then they take her hand and lead her away, back to her corner. The stars reappear and the seas calm, another night, another time, another place and the girl with the Cthulhu tattoo.

Holy Hell the old blog is moved

That only took forever.  Some stuff I wrote this past week coming up. Part of a Novel I'm working on will show up here too.  I do hope people are reading this, though I'm good with talking to myself too :D

Damn You

Damn you
for making me feel
like this,
It hurts, reminds me that I'm alive
makes me remember what I lost..
what we gave away
what we still cherish
does this make me stronger
watered in my tears
fed by my anger
nourished by my love

Gonna Be Me

here, here I go,
here I go again
no matter which way I choose
I can't win
somethings bound to get broken
in this struggle to break free
knowing my luck
it's gonna be me
I've seen this before
I've been in this race
running constantly
just to stay in one place
slipping constantly backward
no matter how hard I try
will I be running this
till the day that I die
every step that I take
seems to take me back
every choice that I make
seems to always lack
will I ever not be
so self-destructive to me?
here, here I go,
here I go again
no matter which way I choose
I can't win
somethings bound to get broken
in this struggle to break free
knowing my luck
it's gonna be me

It's a cycle I know
one I've repeated before
watch while I burn every bridge
slam every door
Looking back on the love
I've long since lost
was the price of my freedom
worth the cost?
so I can't go back
to reclaim from time
can't claim what is new
for it isn't really mine
here, here I go,
here I go again
no matter which way I choose
I can't win
somethings bound to get broken
in this struggle to break free
knowing my luck
it's gonna be me

Dream of You

I miss the dream of you
the scheme of you
the touch and smell and taste of you
miss tracing the line of you
under my hands
under my tongue
the way we worshiped the whole of us
coming together in wave of power
so strong and erotic
we shook the earth
at times wondering in the wonder of us
I remember
sometimes, I miss the dream of us


Come dance in spring with me
play your pipes
and summon me
together we
carress the petals
and call the flowers forth
taste the dew
and summon the morn
chase away the cold
that lurks and lingers
lie with me
and feel the earth wake
come dance in spring with me

I should not miss him

(this is angsty and not so much in the style of me...almost didn't get posted at all)
I should not miss him
But I do
I should not want him
We are through
I should not want
To touch and hold
To ask if he heard
What I was not so bold
Enough to say
Did my lips to his skin
Whisper into him
'stay with me'
'touch me'
Did my hands linger to long
Or my eyes give away
All that I am so afraid to say
'I miss you/us'
'I need you'
Can I fix what is broken
Or are the pieces to small
And sharp
So that it doesn't matter at all.

I should not
but I do

It's Late (this was from March 2007 I think, still love the song though)

and I can't sleep
like that's new.
so I'm listening to music that won't keep anyone awake
and have managed to get Meredith Brooks; If We Kissed (of all things) stuck in my head
so I'm gonna sing along
*random lyrical moment*
What would happen if we kissed?
Would your tongue slip past my lips?
Would you run away?
Would you stay?
Or would I melt into you?
Mouth to mouth, lust to lust,
Spontaneously combust
*end random lyric moment*
ok I'm over it.

A Dry Spell

eyes glazed and slitted
hands on my thighs
taunt, back arching
aching inside
carressing and stroking
building a fire deep inside
tight and tense
almost weeping
sweet release
my hands
my body

Through with You

soft whispered secrets
loudly spoken lies
I can do no more pennance
for the tears that you cried
I too have my pain
I choose not to hide
or suffer in full view
but claim I have pride
I didn't ask forgivness
or even a second chance
all I asked for was time
to see if we still dance the same dance
that was too much
and now I am through
let someone else
put up with you


Step into my darkness
for just a little while
and see all the things
that hide

step into my darkness
to see where I have gone
and find where I'm going
I'm gone

step into my darkness
so that you can know
that things that go bump
aren't always

Step into my darkness
and take my hand
into the depths of me
of you

Not Wrong (this one is X-rated, you've been warned)

I am not bad that I want you to come upstairs to bed with me, make love to me, touch me and hold me, to tell  me how much you love me, how crazy my touch/taste/smell drives you I want to feel you lick between my thighs as you work your way higher, teasing my clit with your fingertips as you move upward so that by the time you get your mouth on my pussy, my clit is puffy and swollen and the bed beneath me is drenched from how wet you've gotten, soaked and tight and soooooo ready for you...
I am not bad that I want you to tease me, bait me with the feel of you hard against me, the taste of us mingling on your cock, let me lick it off and then take it away for more teasing..teasing you makes you precum and that gets me so to lean down and lick it off then tease the head so you get all wet again
that it's not wrong that I love having you above me, looking into my eyes as you sink all the way in in one hard thrust, almost but not quite painful as I've been made soo tight from your teasing..
wanting the thrusts that sink deep, primal deep, the kind that if we weren't protected, would be the makin babies kinda thrusts..
soul deep sex
that's all I want

The touch of you on my skin would burn I think, from the heat of pent up desire, your tongue leaving molten trails of heat across me in paths of pleasure.  My back arching in ecstacy as your lips and tongue blaze the trail your hands follow so well it's like you already knew the map of me, the soul at my core all that's left for you to explore and I wait while you search out any inch of my body that you may have forgotten in the inital rush.  Impatient, I take your hand in mine and slide one finger inside me, thrusting and tightening against the intrusion, wet enough that you know from touch alone that further penetration will be tight but easy, that I'm waiting for you, damp, willing and oh so eager to feel you.  Pulling you up and kissing you, your lips pressing against mine hard enough to scrape my lips on my teeth, I whisper "I need you' and wrap my legs around you, pulling your hard cock against my dampness, the head just at the opening of my pussy, arching against you, pulling just the tip in, I lock my eyes on yours and say "take me"
I'm still not wrong.

 you sink all the way inside me in one fluid stroke, my hips arching, eyes widening in surprise and small sounds of satisfaction escape my lips.  You're so deep that I can feel your hips against mine and we begin to move in tandem, a dance we've only just pretended to dance before, moving almost as one.  My legs wrapped around your back pulling you deeper, my hands tracing, running through your hair to the base of your spine, ghost trails along your skin with my nails, writing on your skin a history of bliss shared.  Sweat drenched skin and sounds of pleasure mingle in the air around us and I pull you down to whisper the things you already know but that have remained unsaid between us.


I feel the rain on my skin thru the window screen
the walls shake from thunder and I remember
the power, the wonder,
the passion
of you
and me
and thunderstorms


would it matter if I I said
I'm sorry

would it matter if I could prove
that this is real

would it matter if I could take away
your fears

would it?

This was gonna get left out, but well, rofl, it's so how my life/personality works

tonight at 11ish my phone rings, a local number I've never seen before.
the conversation is below:

'Yo Dawg! are you watching the fight'
me: umm hello?
'well are you?'
me: heh nope, not if you mean the Mayweather-De La hoya fight, for some reason I thought it was tomorrow night.
'nah, but you aren't david are you'
me: *thinking aha the lights came on* nope, darlin' I think you have the wrong number
'not with a voice like yours, where you live? you should come over and watch the fight'
me: *laughing* thanks for the offer, but shouldn't I at least know who I'm talking to?
'Rashawn, what's your name?'
me: Julia, nice to talk to you Rashawn
'we're having a fight party, if you are in pottstown and wanna come over, I was calling my friend to get him here, but I got you somehow'
me: well that's ok, I like boxing, who's gonna win it?
'not sure, de la hoya is hanging in there but mayweather seems to have a little somethin somethin in reserve'
me: hmm, damn, I wanted to watch it, I'll have to make sure to check who wins in the morning
'hey! can I call you back and tell you who wins when it's over? will you be up?'
mw: *laughing* if you can remember how you misdialed and got me, sure thing.
'cool! I'll do it then'
me: ok thanks, have a great party!
'cool, you have a good night'

hehe oh my, I thought Alyssa (my daughter) was gonna die, she was just staring at me and grinning. even if he doesn't call back, he made my week.
Happy 5th of May ya'll


I am not strong
I am weak
I ache for long ago things
in places forgotten and deep

betrayal everywhere I turn
love that never was or was not returned
tears that don't cleanse
they burn

wasted days
empty nights
I give up
I quit this fight

I'm so tired
can I just lie down
and sleep it all away

I'm so tired, but I can't sleep, standing on the edge of something much too deep (all apologies to Sarah McLaughlin)

on the idea of Astral Travel and Lucid Dreaming

when you dream something that seems so real that it's hard to pull yourself out of it, when you can wake and and then fall right back to sleep exactly where the dream left off when you woke...

on the conversations we have with the ones we loved/lost/seek?
are they real? is this form of dreaming a form of astral travel?
when we do have these dreams are they just dreams or are they souls speaking to one another, perhaps not to remember, ever, what was said, but still a way of communication?

is this, in your opinions, tied into psychic abilities or just the randomness of the brain working on things that, awake, we can't quite digest?

(yep, this is what happens when I stay up all night, I think..)

or perhaps, should I just go to sleep like a good girl :)



we may not have been one of the "Great Loves" of history and literature, but we were at times great, my love and it's in those moments of greatness that memories were made. I cherish those, I hope you do too.
sometimes greatness is where you find it.

This is an OLD one, from like the 90's when dino's walked the earth

written waaaaaaay back in the day when love was new . Well ok love with John was new.
I woke up with it in my head, it was a whole poem, but by the time I got to paper and pencil, this was all I had left
the bizzare series of dreams I've had as of late have brought it back to mind
things said and unsaid and said only in dreams I guess..

I dreamed of you last night
Although I wasn't sleeping
and dreamed of all the lies
and secrets not worth keeping
I don't know what you've done to me
I don't think that I care
but I only live when your around
and die when your not there


I don't wanna talk anymore
I don't wanna see you cry
I wanna hold you close
and heal what's dark inside
no more whispered secrets
no more caged up lies
shed light where none has been for years
and let your soul fly

For Len, from a long time ago

with your soft texas accent
laced with traces of home
call to my soul
and lead me back
cause I've lost my way

the thrill of your voice
calling my name
eases this ache
erases this pain

scares me a little
I trusted you once
only to fall so hard
that I shattered

but still when you speak
how you love my laugh and my eyes
how you find your self distracted and mezmerized

I go weak
I see stars
feel foolish in love
and that soft texas accent
keeps drawing me home

Slipping & Sliding (oo another naughty one)

wet where I shouldn't (should) be
hot to the touch (touch me)
aching deep inside (fill me)
no one has made me this way
it's just how I am

hand slipping where it shouldn't (should) go
warmth infuses me at the touch (touch me)
only a small taste of fulfillment (fill me)
no one has made me this way
it's just how I am

needs I shouldn't (should) express
desire running so deep at just a touch (touch me)
only always seeking that full, tight feeling of bliss (fill me)
no one has made me this way
it's just how I am


I feel the mountians calling me
my soul runs deep and green
my roots are there
in that North Carolina soil
and I feel it calling me home
I miss the sounds of cicadas
singing me to sleep at night
I long for pines and kudzu vines
foggy misty morning views
that go on into violet smoke oblivion
The sticky sweet of her summers
pulls to me like a song
the taste and smell of a muscadine
bees buzzing in the harp of the honey suckle
luring me in like a scented siren
making me long for home
so my tears will fall
in this far north land
on soil that doesn't know
what it is to be
so treasured by me
while I sing my song of home


my mood for today is my new favorite word
omg if ANYTHING discribes me...

quix·ot·ic /kw?k's?t?k/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[kwik-sot-ik]
–adjective 1. (sometimes initial capital letter) resembling or befitting Don Quixote.
2. extravagantly chivalrous or romantic; visionary, impractical, or impracticable.
3. impulsive and often rashly unpredictable.
Also, quix·ot·i·cal.

and oh yeah..
not sensible about practical matters; idealistic and unrealistic; "as quixotic as a restoration of medieval knighthood"; "a romantic disregard for money"; "a wild-eyed dream of a world state"


Lost (hey I think we've hit 2006)

Current mood:sleepy
I get lost sometimes
in the spaces in between
between here and there
me and you
us and them
the void of joining and seperation
I get lost sometimes
in deep blue eyes
southern accents
smells of home
the empty reassurance of the familier
I get lost sometimes
in the halflight of dusk
sunlight on dew
shadows through autumn leaves
the reassurance of change
I get lost sometimes
in a friendly gesture
a gentle touch
a whispered intent
the shelter of comforting things
I get lost sometimes
in the laugh of a child
tears of a stranger
lust of a passerby
the oblivion of raw emotion
I get lost


Do you think you
are the only one
who has ever broken my heart
Do you think you
are the only one
I think of when I hear a love song
When did you
start to think
you were irreplaceable to me
When did you
start to think
you were that unique
How can you
get through each day
thinking of nothing but yourself
How can you
get through each day
knowing you've scarred everyone that loved you
I am amazed
by the size of your ego
compared to the size of your heart
I am amazed
that you can breathe
in the rairified air
up there
alone with your vanity

I don't

I don't wanna miss you
your smell
or how safe I feel in your arms
I don't wanna need you
your touch
or how you used to make me feel whole
I don't wanna lie here
reach for you
then realize that your not there
I don't wanna miss you

Spinning (yes I've given up on dating them till I get to the newer stuff)

my head is spinning
circles and circles again
making me dizzy
making me contemplate sin

right now I need clarity
to see my way from here
but all I can do
is spin and spin again


If I hand you my heart
will you break it again
if I trust you once more
will the betrayal begin
I can almost see
the rest of my life
with you
but before I do
I need to know
if it's real
or just for show
if I hand you my heart
will you break it again
could you hand me your heart
learn to trust and let me in?

Memories of J & Me (May 2007)

heat and hair
skin to skin
dark of night
crickets and sin
sweat and smiles
sneaking in secret
key to lock
sultans treasure
kept in my box
contol and release
till two were one
tongue to skin
teeth to flesh
gasp and release
velvet and tight
granite and hard
begin again
and again
and again

Morphine (June 2007, wow 2007 was either a great creative year or sucked hard...)

I am your morphine
use me to kill your pain
lurking deep with in your veins
use me
you have no shame
just place all the blame
on me
your morphine
I am your drug of choice
Just when you think
you've gotten clean
you fall back on me
so mean
and in the shattered glass
whispering secrets of your past
I'm there to hold you in my arms
and remind you why
you need me
to blame
your morphine
I take away the guilt
for all your stupid shit
all the scars you've made
all the pain you've laid
blame me
I'm the cause
I'm the poison
poisoning you
so that nothing you ever do
is your own fault
your morphine
so come to me my child
I'll take your pain
while you run wild
free of all your fears
no, baby, those aren't tears
it's just me
your morphine

Sultan's Gift (goddess only knows when I wrote this)

come to me
on the nights breeze
carress my skin
velvet to your touch
slide my hands
above my head
bind them there
on your soft spoken 'no'
come to me
on the nights breeze
carress my breasts
as they are ripe,
ready for your touch
test the nipples,
dark and flushed
peaked for only you
to lick or suck
Come to me
on the nights breeze
travel lower where
my navel waits
feeling your heat
where I want it to be
teasing so gently
the treasure box
come to me
on the nights breeze
using your only key
slide open your box
and claim what has always been
my sultan
my master
my love

of you

something about you
makes me weak
makes me scared
the fear runs deep
of breaking the fragile relationship
we've forged time and time again
all I ever wanted was to make you happy
and fear of that controls me even unto this day
to displease you is the worst I could do
yet seems to be all that I do
your rejection hits me like a stomach blow
so I don't say what I feel
I don't do what I need
I don't ask for what I should
because I love you so much
that I'm terrified
of you

Liar (June 2007)

I keep buying into your lies
how much longer do you think it will go on
I'm here now, come face me
tell me the truth this one time
even if it hurts
even if it scars
I'd rather taste the bitterness
than swallow anymore of your sweet sweet lies

If I (June 2007)

If I asked you
for one more chance
would you give it to me
and let's try this dance
If I told you
that I made a mistake
but with my head held high
and my pride held low
could you accept that
and we could take things slow
this time
If I told you
that I still love you
so much that I ache inside
for just a passing touch
would you touch me
Could you accept
that your anger at me
is caused by the love
you have the change
to decieve
If I came back
and we tried again
moving slow and easy
because we see the mistakes
we've made in the past
would you try too
If I came back
to you
instead of you coming
to me
could we heal the scars
try to see
if maybe
that's what's best for us both
I do love you
I do miss you
I do want you
but should I ask?
would you?

Realizations (also written in 2007, but very true today)

I am realizing as I get older that I do not just want sex the mindless gropings and thrustings of someone who does not love or really desire me
want the kisses of someone who puts so much passion and need for me and my touch into it that it almost burns thru me
someones who's touch inspires so much desire in me that just that passing touch makes me wetter than the nile in flood season
I want someone who goes wild at the scent of me, who craves my touch and who makes me shudder from across the room because I know what he's thinking just by glancing in his eyes
I want this now and I want it at 80 or 90
I want deep wrenching love that makes me ache to be apart from you
not just lust
I want to be the kind of love story that if one of us dies the other damn near wastes away from grief and loss
I want to be someones everything
yet I want to still be my own person and I want my love to be thier own person as well
is that too much to ask?
I do not want anymore empty promises
or empty romantic encounters
or relationships that end because we let what should have burned for a lifetime grow cold
I do not want to ever wake up feeling used or worse because the contact I've had with another has been so empty and shallow that it was meaningless
if the people who claim to love me can't do that for me, then we don't need to interact that way anymore or ever
but if you want me, you want ALL of me
my bad and my good, ups and downs, moodswings, bratty but wonderful teenager and children.
I am a complicated, amazing, vexing. insatible, irritating, irresitable, know it all, fights with a wooden post to prove she's right kind of woman
I am one of a kind
if you've had me and lost me
you will never find another like me
if you have me now or ever, treasure me and I'll do the same for you
ignore me, neglect me, hate any aspect of me
and I'll go away.
some people had to learn this the hard way
some of them are still clueless as to what they lost
oh well..

But I Don't Wanna Be Alice (Aug 20 2007)

Down the rabbit hole I go again
eat this, drink this, do this, take that
cycles of my past
wheeling by
but I don't want back on that ride
when it stops
I land on my heart
and it still bleeds
for the cheshire cat
and his wicked grin

Pieces (Aug 27th 2007)

Picking up the peices
collecting the shards
you'd think this would be easier
but it's not, this time it's hard

Bits of my life
bits of yours
my past follows close behind me
yours haunts me like a ghost

Why does what you've done
in the time I've been away
matter to me now
we are not
we should never be again
yet your promisucity
seems to be falling on me
and I don't understand
I don't want the drama
the bullshit
or the pain
of being detested
and hated again
so why
does this matter
why do they come to me
this is your garden
you planted these seeds
(this doesn't say what I want to say, it's more like mental vomit, something I had to get out....there are questions here I can't answer and the person who can, won' just mop it up and let it go)

Heart & Soul (Aug 26th 2007)

My restless soul
feels pulled onward
my homesick heart
says take me back
to where I belong
can I fix my heart
and appease my soul
in one place
Can I shake the past
confront the future
hit the world head on
and never look back
all while sitting
on your front porch
there was a time
when you wanted to fly
now your settled
and I want wings
restless soul
let my heart be free
heart of mine
let me have some peace
to become who I am
not what others think is me

More on Being Alice (Aug 27th 2007)

Topsy turvey and upside down
there goes my world again
spinning around

the mushroom wasn't magic
the caterpillar lied
all I get is sick
when I swallow
what you provide

I don't want to go back down
the rabbit hole once more
there is nothing waiting there

"turn back" my heart cries
"Pain lies down this path
and all that he gives you
are chains to your past"

but I am forced into taking this road
jumping down just like before
and the bottom of the rabbit hole
is a broken heart floor

I feel like I'm giving up
buying into your delusion
my heart says one thing
my mind another
adding to my confusion

I could ask the Mad Hatter
to give it one more try
but instead I'll head
to the grinning Cats lair
and hope he doesn't swallow me alive

Good Night Moon (Aug 28th 2007)

Good night cow jumping over the moon
Just watched the lunar eclipse with my daughter and her friend Mike
we stayed up all night and set an alarm clock just for the hope that you could see it from the east coast(we'd been told you wouldn't be able to) and we could

and it was amazing
She was amazing
she the moon and she the Alyssa
never have the words "oh wow" summed up so much

one she refused to come inside until she felt she had properly guided the other she out for the night
things happen for a reason

if I chose to stay here
I have a job
I have a place to stay to save up money for as long as I need
I don't have jerry bullshit all old and should be forgotte
nor john drama, unintentional but still theret
he weight of the past is more than I can bear that close up
and some wounds have not healed
I can start classes at Cortiva this fall if I want

If I chose to go home
rent is cheaper
but jobs are scarce
my babies are closer
but I have so much past there
that it weighs me down

Here feels like home
there feels like home
Goddess Guide Me as I Sleep
I need some help with this one

either way,
good night Moon
good night cow jumping over the moon
good night table
good night spoon

good night brush
good night little old lady
whispering 'hush'

Need (Sept 6 2007)

I need you
but I can't see you
I need you
but I can't touch you
I need you
but I can't find you
I need you
who are you
where are you
I long for you
ache for you
cry for you
but you are gone
or never were
where are you?
where am I?

Darkness (Sept 25 2007)

In this darkness I wait
and lost inside it's embrace I ache

some one come find
this little girl lost

chase away the fears that keep me locked in here

the monster that is everything
of the everyday world

it leers and peers over me
making me feel small and tiny and weak

so back to the darkness I run
where I feel safe

Making Amends? (Oct 17th 2007)

Tonight my mother called me, she's working the 12 steps of AA for the umpteenth time in her 52 years of life. (holy shit my mom's 52!) this is another attempt as sobriety for her and honestly I think this might very well be the first REAL attempt she's ever made.

She's on step 8
for those who cannot recite the entire AA Big Book
these are the :THE TWELVE STEPS

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

She's on Step 8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. and with it, step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Don't get me wrong, I'm amazed at her progress, saddened that it took prison to cause it, and very very proud of her for getting this far.

She's never EVER admitted she'd harmed me or my siblings in any other sobriety attempt. So this is REAL progress for Momma.

but omg
the things this has drug up that I'd spent years trying to forget.
maybe that's good
right now I don't know.
she wants a face to face amends with me some time soon.
Maybe that will be good too.
though it means a trip to NC.

I tried to tell her tonight that some of the things that happened to me as a child, she had NO control over and needs to stop beating herself up over them. She did not know that my uncle was a child molester or my grandfather. She was a single mom trying to raise a kid and pay a mortgage, she accepted free babysitting from a family member. What should have been just a kind act became something monstrous but it was NOT her fault any more than it was mine.

She does not give herself credit for the things she did right and there were more of those than bad.

besides, she's my Momma, I love her no matter what.


Keep Running Up That Road, Keep Running Up That Hill (Dec 15th 2007)

I have a tendency to run, to want to go back to the me before I knew anything was wrong.
I'd have to go back to like, age 10 or 11ish, maybe if I could recapture wild, free me of 16? when the whole world was waiting out there and I could still be a rockstar. Before depression and time and weight gain stole my dreams away. Before I handed them over to this pressing weighted fear that consumes me sometimes.

who was she?
is she really me?
am I perhaps just an older wiser version of her?
Will I become my grandmother? Hiding in my mind from the monsters that lurk outside my door? Paranoid and frightened to the point that I sink into dementia to escape.

sometimes I think I am running far away from who I was
only to come full circle to find that I am still here, waiting for me to stop running.

I hide
inside of myself
I scream
inside of myself
and no one hears me
and everyone thinks
everything is OK
until finally I fall
and I fall so hard
because I hide
so no one knows
how far down
I've already

I read histories of people more f'd up than me.
psychopaths and serial killers and monsters
to maybe understand what happened to me in my childhood
to find an answer to Neely, to Amanda, to Crystal
who are so far gone
dead before they were able to know who they were, 6 and 10 and 9
why them and not me?
why was I the last person any of them saw?
am I cursed?
was their ending better than my future?
death better than molestation?

why does all of this still cause triggers in me now?
I had therapy to deal with this
really I did.

so why am I spiraling back down?

there are dead spiders in the bathroom floor where I'm staying
just little knotted up balls of limb and webbing
I can empathize with them tonight
I am the useful pest
the caring predator
spinning my web to help
but cast aside so cheaply and quickly
no one can see my worth.

Today was a hard one for me
as I found out I'd been misled
and now i feel foolish
and worthless again

my daughter decided mario party would cheer me up?
sort of.
but John always wins. lol
I'm going to sleep
and dream of places and people gone from me now

Older Poetry, Read at your own Risk

most of these are older things, that I've never posted. Just thought I'd get some of that done while I can't sleep.
There is a story behind each one and a few I didn't post yet
I hope you enjoy some of them.

This one was spawned by Alyssa trying to get me to rhyme John's nickname.
I couldn't, thus this was born

Mythical Cooking 101
I've searched now for hours
through many volumes, as you see
for the rare and elusive
Sasquatch Recipe

The delay is not due
to a shortage of beast
I've a large one right here
on which we could feast

I don't really want to cook him
he's not even very mean
it seems a shame for one so tame
to be served with something green

I've found some on unicorns and dragons
chimera, sphinx and Spam
but if you ask my opinion
I'd much rather bake a ham

How to cook a Sasquatch
no one seems to know
so I guess despite my struggles
I'll just have to let this one go

This was from my 'hippie' writing phase. ugh some of these are almost painfully bad


Self destruct
see if anyone cares
scream and rant and rage
to no avail
no one hears you
no one knows
that your slowly choking
in this death grip we hold

You throat
once white and pure
shows the bruises
left by our unfeeling hands
your wrists scarred and torn
by your attempts to free
your soul
from this vice
that you cannot control

Inside you are dying
killed by our thoughtlessness
never knowing
never realizing
that once you are gone
we have nothing

so maybe you laugh
because you know
that soon you will be reborn
while we just decompose

This is one of my favorites, written about my then boyfriends mother and the nasty things she said about/did to me.
it's still powerful

Woman's Warning

My storm front is coming
the maelstrom is due
this force has moved mountains
what made you think it'd stop for you
so either hold on for dear life
or run while you can
because you'll never escape
what you won't understand

Yes your actions they hit me
like tornadoes through my mind
that tried to tear asunder
all the me that they could find
you found out you could not erase me
your methods neither just nor fair
and no amount of your destruction
changes the fact that I'm still there

So remember once my storm has passed
and the rain of truth still falls
that this battle isn't over
till I've broken down your walls
and risen from the rubble
of what you would not let be
to prove to you once again
that you could never break me

this one is what comes of heartache and a music major background

Pain In 4/4 Time

Confusion runs rampant
fear runs deep
betrayals past and present
still give cause to weep
wondering if you love me
wondering if you need me
wondering if she has you
wondering if I'll hate you
wondering if your like them
wondering if I'll wind up alone
looking back and wondering if

why'd you say you love me?
you didn't mean it
I was just convenient
why'd you say you trust me?
you never let me near
All you knew is fear
why'd you say you'd always be there?
you ran away so fast
your version of forever didn't last

I hope now that your all alone
you find your peace at last
no longer haunted by ghosts of me
or demons of your past
I hope this is what you wanted
though I tried to make you see
that until you learn to love again
alone is all you'll ever be
8-8-96 (1,2&3) 5-31-97 (4)
ooo in retrospect, the one above REALLY fits the person it was written for, even now.

more emo angsty ones!


and again I see me standing here
alone and afraid
to proud to say I love you
to weak to walk away
In your eyes
I never have my head on right
and my temper is to be feared
I am loud and blunt and clingy
while you crave mousy and reticent
but in case you haven't noticed
a wall flower I am not
and never will be

and again I feel as though
another one wants to change me
to keep only the parts
that pass inspection
and add new ones that meet
the desired factory specs
when the old ones annoy
but I am a person
not a car or a toy
and I have never been owned
and the parts are not interchangeable
for you or anyone else

so maybe as I stand here
alone and afraid
I can see you over there
more terrified of yourself
that you have ever been of me
and maybe the I love you
is all that you need
to break you from your frozen
single minded stupor
and make you say it to me

but my fear keeps me trapped here
and the ice of the past coats my tongue
so I speak not and want more
and wonder why you leave me

I got tired of false happiness
so now I sit in real pain
wishing my mind had left me alone
that I could shut off my brain
but I seem to destroy everything that I touch
and I sure as hell pulled this one apart
so now every time you call me love
the pain sinks like a well aimed dart

a compromise seems impossible
because my heart breaks in two
and my tender shattered soul
longs to cling to you
but that's not what you want
that is not what you choose
but hey, I'm getting used to it
I went in knowing I'd lose

never good enough for some
always outside looking in
you may not want to date me
but I make a damn good cardinal sin
I did not want this
nor did I need
but here I am again
watching myself bleed

The next three are about people who were or are still a part of my life,
one hurt one of them so bad she didn't speak to me for years
the other hurt me so badly I couldn't deal with the loss and the ache of her
and the last, was once my everything, but illness took her from me.

and if one of you reads this next one and it hurts you again, please know that I don't mean it to. I love you girly, I always have.
and you are NOT this poem, you never were, you were just the inspiration for a story in my soul that needed to get out.

Alone she sat in the dark of her room
staring at the relics of a long ago love
crying at the sadness she felt in her heart
and the fear of the envy gnawing within
of the life across her street
wishing, wanting, bargaining with all her soul
for just a little more time

just one more day she cried, as
she saw him carry his bride
through the door
just one more hour
and he would have been mine
oh the things I could do with a little more time

the days became nights
the nights into day
then weeks into years
as she faded away
her heart slowly died
on a warm sunny day
when the lives across her street
became suddenly three

Alone she still sits in
the dark of her room
staring at the relics
of a life gone by
and though she still feels
the sting in her eyes
she has run out of tears
she can no longer cry
though she still watches with envy
a love that never died

and somewhere deep within her, a tiny voice cries
oh please, just please, for a little more time

There are pieces of you every where I look
wikki-sitx and incense sticks
bottles of water and ghost of janis joplin
still linger in my room
the rain through the window
washed all but the tiniest bit of you from my pillow
but my tears can't wash you from my mind, my arms my heart
lingering spirits of doubt and guilt
creep up on me, in quiet moments
but I banish them away
with images of you fae
and dancing in the cold new years light
maybe all that ails us both
is nothing that a little snake oil wouldn't fix.


A goodbye to Sarah
There is a hole in me
where you used to be
an emptiness
that just won't leave
I can't fight it
so I fill it with tears
even after all this time
and they help wash away
the pain that lingers here
I still yearn for you
long for you
smell you on the wind
feel you in my soul
so much yearning, longing for you
in me
Once I thought you made me whole
and I, left with half of me
wasn't enough
Now I know that you were part of me,
and always will be
I love you